Brave Conversations in Church

Opening up space for difficult conversations

Published

“You can’t talk about this here.” 

I heard these words over and over when I began my promotional journey of my first book, Birthed: Finding Grace Through Infertility, which detailed my bumpy ride to motherhood. 

Though the statistics say that 1 in 8 couples in America struggles with infertility, I quickly learned that those suffering in the pews, as I had, weren’t always welcome to voice their concerns in church. Pastors said, when they heard about my topic, “Oh that’s too personal” or “I can’t imagine you talking about that from the pulpit.”

I believed (and still believe) tough conversations can happen in church. 

I’d always longed to be a part of and to create faith communities where people knew and loved each other well, for good and for bad. 

So, my answer was this: instead of just talking about infertility—as many pastors didn’t want me to do, I began offering grief workshops at conferences and in small groups with a twist. 

I asked participants at these events about the grief they carried but didn’t voice in church. We in the church, after all, are pretty good at responding to grief when it comes to death (casseroles, anyone?), but after that situations tend to get a little murky. I wanted to know how the church could be more attentive to unspoken pain. 

In the grief workshops I led, I heard about family members going to jail and no one in the church knowing about it. I heard about abuse scandals that were well-hidden. I heard about experiences of mental illness, domestic violence, and racism. I heard about negative experiences that those belonging to the LGBTQ community faced. 

The stories I heard, and the pain entrusted to me, became the beginning of my new book, Brave Church: Tackling Tough Topics Together. 

I was delighted to stumble upon an article called “From Safe Spaces to Brave Spaces” in The Art of Effective Facilitation, written by Brian Arao and Kristi Clemens, two student affairs educators at New York University. They suggested a better environment for dealing with tough topics—a “brave space” that allows participants to listen to one another and learn from challenges. 

Drawing on their work, along with my 15 years of pastoral experiences and all the hard conversations I’d had with parishioners, I began to adapt these rules which I believe can help churches move from being a safe space to a brave church willing to take on tough subjects. 

Rules like: 

  1. Accept conflict and commit to the way of kindness. 
  2. Take responsibility for how your words are received.
  3. Ask permission before challenging someone’s views on a subject.
  4. Graciously receive feedback if someone feels disrespected.
  5. Use “I” instead of “you” statements. Do not accuse or attack.

In the summer of 2019, I piloted a Brave Church group at my own church in Washington, DC with these rules as the covenant that shaped our conversations. We talked about infertility and miscarriage. We talked about mental illness. We talked about domestic violence. We talked about racism. We talked about sexuality. 

I want you to know that we all survived! No church splits happened because of being a Brave Church group. No one walked out in the middle of a session. Together we opened some new conversations we’d never had. We furthered some conversations we’d started but on which we needed deeper reflection. We kept talking even through moments when the process wasn’t always comfortable. 

The lasting gift of Brave Church in my church was: we saw each other all over again

In this seeing each other, we knew we had work to do to make our congregation more welcoming to those with experiences of both private and public pain. 

To my delight, in the months that followed, I heard prayer requests during Sunday worship services shift from being solely about physical conditions. I heard folks voicing concerns about high school students in our community dealing with mental illness. I heard folks who wanted to plan special events for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October. I had church leaders call me and ask, “When are we going to march?” when George Floyd was murdered in May 2020. In baby steps, the Brave Church experience gave us courage not only to talk about tough topics but to do something about them. 

  • Elizabeth Hagan

    Elizabeth Hagan has most recently served the Palisades Community Church in Washington, DC a senior minister. She is a graduate of Samford University and Duke Divinity School. She is also the Executive Director of Our Courageous Kids, a foundation serving young adults who grew up in international orphanages, with educational and mental health support. You can connect with her and learn more about Brave Church at elizabethhagan.com/

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